Dealing with the conflict – Hurting the ones you love and liking it

There are a lot of restrictions that society puts on it members. Everyone knows and understands that as part of the contract we make with the rest of the world, we have to behave according to some of its norms and standards to be accepted. This is part of our growing up process, to learn the basics of human interaction and play well with others. Many of these early lessons involve how you treat those weaker than you; younger children, those with physical disabilities and, if you are male, girls. From the earliest playground interactions you are taught ‘you don’t hit others, especially girls’. Even the girls are taught this, so women can have the same sort of conditioning in this area as men.

As you grow these lessons are reinforced by negative social stereotypes of spouse beaters and child abusers of both genders, and rightly so. These are unacceptable behaviors, abuses of power and neglect of ones responsibility toward others in general. No one should ever suffer from abuse and those that perpetrate it should be punished appropriately.

But what happens when suddenly you are in a relationship with someone that ASKS you to spank them, hit them, rape them, humiliate them, call them names… all of the things that you are taught from such an early point in your life not to do. And even more confusing; what if you want to.

First, understand that there is nothing wrong with either one of you. This is the most important things of all, there is no right or wrong way to express yourself and enjoy your bodies. Exploration of new areas of that enjoyment is the best thing in the world to make sure you still have a pulse.

Secondly, understand that there is nothing in any way disrespectful or wrong about treating someone in the manner that they desire. If having you do something to them, such as spanking or calling them a slut, enhances their enjoyment of the moment then it is obviously not a problem for them. Is it a problem for you? If so, is it because you feel like you are doing something wrong or abusive? Remember that this a mutual act and that you are doing this with the person’s full consent for their, and hopefully your, enjoyment and are acting within that persons stated limits. Always ask questions like “How will you let me know if this gets to be too much”, that way you will know that you are still on safe ground as far as they are concerned.

Most people that run into this sort of issue report a feeling of guilt surround the actions; “What kind person would enjoy doing that sort of thing?” seems to be the question on their minds The answer is simple; “The kind of person that likes to explore and enhance the pleasure of their partner and themselves.” This is the point that many seem to miss;

Also keep in mind that pain and its emotional equivalent, humiliation, are both things that are vastly different in an erotic context. What may look painful and unacceptable from the outside is an incredible rush for both parties from the inside. Pain play is an area to explore slowly until you understand the reactions of your partner but can be a powerful experience for all involved. Endorphins, the natural painkillers in the body, and hormone produced by sexual arousal are a powerful cocktail and can move the experience to a whole new level.

With humiliation it may help to recognize that there is an element of role play involved; you are not calling your partner a “filthy cum-swilling whore” because that is the way you really think of them, you are calling them that because it is a turn on in that context. It is not what you are going to be calling them in day to day life, but in the dungeon or the bedroom those rules need not apply. It may feel a little silly for you for be forcing yourself to use these terms toward your partner but that is a natural part of filling this new role of sexual top.

Start slowly. Talk first. It all begins with hearing the other persons fantasies about things they want to try or have tried in the past. Take ideas from there and think about working them into your reality. Start simply like giving them orders to do things that you find arousing, add activities from their fantasies as you become comfortable, try them one at the time until you are comfortable enough to combine a few together in the same session. This slow progress is to allow you to understand that your partner really wants this, that there is nothing wrong, shameful or disrespectful about it and to allow you to become confident enough to explore this area with them.

Understand also that you don’t have to do every part of the fantasy right now. If there is something that you are not sure how to do that your partner is asking for it can be left for later while you find out what you need to know to feel more confident, start slow and talk to your partner a lot about what they feel and how it effects them. This generally starts with talking about fantasies that they have and how these activities fit into them and how they think they will react to them. This in and of itself can be immensely enlightening as we have already discussed.

But most importantly don’t do anything that you think you can not do safely. There are classes on techniques all over the country, so consult someone knowledgeable before trying anything involving any degree of risk. Its only fun if you can do it again and it’s always better to end the evening wanting to go farther than it is regretting going too far.

Talk to the person you are with before and after you try something new to size up the affect of the scenario or technique and use this information to adjust for the next time you try it. Work up to more complex scenarios rather than diving in; for example if a fantasy involves being bound and helpless while they are repeatedly molested and raped, ratchet up to this slowly by trying some light bondage during sex, then progressively heavier sex and binding over the course of a few evenings until the scene is complete. This allows for adjustment and control that leaping into the full blown fantasy scene would not provide and gives ample opportunity to abort should reality be more of a problem than the fantasy made it appear. This approach also provides more “before and after” period to talk, discuss and fine tune, adding to the communication and trust for both partners.

Remember, it’s all about exploration, creativity and pleasure. All things that good people do in my world. How about yours? And if you find that you like the power and control of dominance over a partner while they gaze up at you and beg for it; welcome to the club, my friend. Welcome to the starting line of one of the most interesting trips you will ever take. I would say “See you are the finish line” , but I don’t think there is one and that is wonderful news for people like us that always have to be looking for what is beyond.

Enjoy the ride.

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